Our life since September 4th has been the exact opposite of what I had in mind when I launched this quiet life. AH and I have had more commitments and weekends away since September 4th than I can remember in any other period in our relationship. Weeks have been busy, and although we have done a great job of grabbing quiet and meaningful moments together, there haven’t been enough of them.
Our time of busyness has me curious. How can someone (that would be me) have a life-changing medical emergency that inspires something like this quiet life and then plunge headlong into several weeks of head-spinning insanity? I know I’m not alone in this. I can’t be the first who has made a promise to be different and then turned around and gone back to their old way of life.
It’s what we do, isn’t it? We default to what’s comfortable and familiar. We go back to old patterns. But comfortable, familiar paths aren’t going to change my life. They aren’t going to take me to a place that will allow me some sense of surety that I won’t have another episode. Walking all the same roads will continue to get me more of the things I no longer want. In essence, failing to change will see this quiet life fade away and become something I once was inspired by but didn’t see through.
What will it take for most of us to get serious about making the changes that we need to? Usually it’s something significant. I certainly was given my key ingredient: my episode on September 4th provided a deep sense of knowing that I could no longer do my life the way I’d been doing it. So why haven’t I made the changes that I need to?
Perhaps the biggest obstacle to change is that I didn’t dislike my life before September 4th. I love my husband. My career is extremely fulfilling. We have a lovely home. And best of all, we live in one of the most beautiful cities in North America. Why do I need to change? On paper, it all looks great. Except for the migraines. The migraines have been telling me for a long time that something needs to change. But I haven’t been listening.
And when I dig deeper, I see the truth. My heart yearns for quiet. This perpetually busy mind of mine craves stillness. My body wants to be outside in the fresh air and not inside an air conditioned space for 10 hours at a time. And my spirit wants to be off the clock; 22 years of working in 15 minute blocks of time has taken a mighty toll.
How do I reconcile these two? Can I bring the two lives together? Can they merge and coexist, or is this a “one or the other” conundrum? I tend to be an all-or-nothing person, and so finding balance can be difficult. But I don’t see that I have a choice here. It’s time to find a new way and forge a new path.
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