Someone recently paid me a lovely compliment about how I carry and present myself. It was a deeply ironic moment, for at the time the conversation took place, I was in the midst of trying to stave off a panic attack while fighting my way through a crush of people at the end of a church service.
It was at once both incredibly affirming and startling to have the conversation. Affirming because I strive to put a calm and peaceful vibe out into the world. I make an effort to smile, give compliments, say thank you, and apologize when I’ve made a misstep. Startling because I have totally fallen apart inside this last month. Behind the smile, the compliment, the gratitude is a huge void. I’ve been numb, grappling with the reality of being introduced to my mortality in mid November.
I’ve been mulling over my conversation through the last week, and I can’t help but observe people everywhere I go. I see someone smiling, laughing, frowning. And I wonder… how ARE they, really? Is that smile genuine? The laugh: is something truly funny, or is it a facade? That person behind me in line at the grocery store with the furrowed brow and a huge frown… are they really THAT grumpy, or are they in the midst of something really challenging that they’re trying to sort out in the only moment of peace that they’ve had that day?
This conversation has provided so much revelation for me around how I see the world around me. I have had a tendency to take things at face value. You do this when you’re a black or white person like I am. If someone is smiling: happy. Laughing: funny. Frowning: bad mood.
But the reality is, unless we’re with our most special people, we really don’t know how those around us are doing. We don’t know what they’re walking through in their lives. We don’t know what’s behind the mask that they show in public. But we’re very good at imagining how they are or who they are or what they’re experiencing based on our perception of them and the face that they wear when they’re out in the world.
It’s kind of knocked my socks off, really, and it’s suddenly really intense being out in public spaces. Enough of this superficial business of drifting through the day, brushing up against people and not knowing anything about them. I want to know everything about everyone. I know that would only last about 15 minutes because to know the deepest truth about everyone whom I encounter in a day would be impossible to buffer.
Where’s the middle ground? Somewhere between “hi how are you now tell me ALL about yourself” and “smile ’cause if I don’t I will surely cry”, there is a way of showing up that is genuine and balanced. When someone greets you with “how are you?” it just isn’t appropriate to barf your life story all over them. And yet, I’d like to live in a world where we can be real and true with one another.
I don’t have any answers, but this one simple conversation has changed me and in the best possible way. It has me looking for more conscious and sincere encounters. I’m looking at difficult people and tricky situations with more curiosity. And I’m giving myself permission to be a little less superhuman, a little more true to my inner landscape. Because I’d like people to know who I really am.
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