“You’ve kind of left me hanging,” a friend told me in a recent conversation. “It was so huge, this thing that happened to you, and I’m so glad it’s lead you on this exploration of what quiet looks like for you. But really, what’s different in your life since September 4th? How has what happened changed you?”
She makes a good point, as this dear one often been known to do. And I’ve spent some time sitting with her question. this quiet life exists because of what what happened back in September. What’s different for me, and for AH (my amazing husband) since September 4th? I’m still sorting that out. But I know a few things for certain…
I’m getting better at letting go…
I’ve always been a bit of a director (AH would say I love to control outcomes). I think that my ideas of how things should happen are pretty darned great (AH would say I’m bossy). And I invest a great deal in achieving good results (AH would say I don’t delegate enough – because, you know, my way is the best way).
But when you lose control of moving, talking and breathing, life gets pretty darned simple. On September 4th I had to turn my life over to the professionals who knew far better than I did about what I needed. I couldn’t ask any questions or make any requests regarding my care. And in spite of that, I’m here to tell the tale.
So, the first big change for me is that I’ve started to turn things over to others. I’ve started to let my staff run with tasks and projects. I try to make fewer “helpful” suggestions to AH when he’s working on something. And as I do this more consistently, I see that things still get done. They may not happen in quite the way I’d do them. And it may take a little longer. But we get to where we want to go in the end. And I don’t have to be involved in every moment of every day. This gives me more energy and time for the things that matter. That’s a huge gift for me.
We don’t take ourselves so seriously…
AH and I are both A type drivers who like to be in charge. This doesn’t work well when we’re trying to accomplish tasks together. Ask any of the neighbours who witnessed our attempt to load a canoe and paddle board onto our truck this summer. It wasn’t pretty, let me tell you!
Several times in recent weeks we’ve caught ourselves in the middle of a heated conversation about some ridiculous detail, and we start laughing at ourselves. We’re both getting better at letting go and just letting the other take the lead. And we’re taking ourselves a little less seriously. There’s a more genuine appreciation of the gifts we both bring to our relationship and our time together. I’m so sorry that such a huge wake up call was required, but we’re coming together in partnership in a way we never have before.
Life feels more precious…
AH and I have had several emotional “what if” conversations. Because the reality is, if he hadn’t been home when I had my episode, he wouldn’t have been there to pound my chest, remind me to breathe, or to urge me to try and swallow. I likely wouldn’t have survived. Yes, I know that he WAS home and I DID survive. But having the reality of your mortality presented in living colour takes some time to assimilate. I’m still working on that.
There have been many tearful moments these last few weeks as I walk through this process. More than a few times, I’ve stopped cold in the middle of doing something and dissolved into tears of gratitude for the gift of still being here to do whatever it is I was doing. Driving to work, watching a sunset, our last paddle of the year in our canoe… Living life from this new perspective of presence and gratitude makes life so much sweeter and juicier. I’m so thankful!
We’re learning to slow down…
The reality is, being too busy is what generated my episode on September 4th. Having too much on my plate feeds my migraines. And the entire month of August was filled with stress at work and several high priority personal commitments. When we sat down to evaluate and regroup after my episode, AH and I realized we’ve been running with our hair on fire for a long time.
This level of busy-ness hasn’t changed since September 4th. We’re currently navigating the busiest and most demanding stretch of time we’ve seen in our nine years together. But alongside this, each day we’re working hard to carve out more down time and be less busy. It’s been a struggle. It’s also been incredibly rewarding to see how we have more minutes for down time than we thought we did. We have more moments to be still than we were taking advantage of. And we are getting better at finding connection with one another in the middle of chaos.
We’ve gotten very intentional about our life…
By outward appearances, you wouldn’t see much change in our life since early September. This is our biggest challenge. We’re still too busy, and we still spread ourselves too thin. But on the inside, everything has shifted. We’ve embarked upon a process of inner change that can’t be undone. What we wanted 12 weeks ago isn’t what we want now. We’re asking ourselves some big questions. Is our life the life that we want? How do we want our future together to look?
If it won’t matter a week from now, we’re trying not to give that moment too much attention. It’s a new place to live from, and we don’t quite have this right yet. Life has gotten very real and honestly, a little more messy at times. It’s taking time to break old patterns and create space for a new way of walking in our life.
Reconciling our outer and inner worlds is a process that’s still unfolding. Changes are coming. We just don’t quite know how it will all play out. Stay tuned…
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