I've been hitting the muffins pretty hard lately. Not because I particularly love them, or because they're super delicious. But for some reason, the heavy sweetness of a gluten-free muffin makes me feel better these days. I eat a muffin, and for a brief time, I feel whole again. And then the craving begins anew.
What is it about a muffin that makes me feel better? I've been thinking about this a lot. Mainly because if I keep eating muffins at this rate I'm going to be buying a new winter wardrobe. But also because I do really care about myself and would love to build myself up in healthier ways. And because of that, I have to ask the question: What am I really craving, if not a compact, sweet and lovely baked good?
Predictability. Living in this COVID world is anything but stable. Case numbers go up and down, and it feels like daily there is some fresh, new COVID hell to navigate. I remember - vaguely - when I used to wake up on Monday and go to work, and have no real worries aside from when my next migraine would happen. It was a pretty simple existence. Now, the only thing that's predictable is the unpredictable nature of living during a global pandemic.
Fresh Air. Working behind a mask all day, every day is no fun. It's like being in face jail. My mask imprisons me, steals my breath, fogs my glasses, hides my smile. I realize that it also helps keep me a little safer if one of my patients happens to bring COVID-19 into the office. But it's still hard to wear it. And the very first thing I do at the end of my working day is go into my office, rip the paper jail off my face, and take a deep breath. It's heaven. Rebreathing my own stale air all day long has robbed me of my vitality in a way that migraines never did. I feel faded and grey after a day behind my mask. On the weekend when we're out in the fresh air, walking in the woods or by the ocean, I savour every breath, every moment of freedom.
Self Care. When Tucker (my service dog) arrived back in March, he became the centre of my universe. Every free moment is devoted to him, whether it's a walk or training or cuddles. There is no more morning meditation and Bible study, or evening yoga, or sitting to read a book. And now that all these things are gone, I miss them terribly. It's like a piece of myself has gone missing. I'm working on a piece that centres on radical self care, and it's helping me to reclaim some of the simple pleasure that can be found when I lavish attention on myself, even for a brief period of time.
Honesty. Let's face it: most of us are struggling at the moment. We all have at least a little bit of COVID fatigue. But nobody is talking about it. Nobody is willing to admit how hard this is. Why? I feel like we've been sold this story that we have so much to be grateful for (food, shelter, family, friends, you know the drill), that we have nothing to complain about. And it's true really, that life isn't so bad and that I'm pretty blessed. But living with COVID-19 has taken a great deal from all of us, and daily it takes a great deal out of us. And I think it's time that we all start being more honest about it.
Solitude. I can't ever quite get enough time on my own. I enjoy my own company, and I thrive on time by myself. Except I'm never alone any more. We're always all at home or all at the office, or I'm out in public training Tucker. I miss closing the door to my sewing room and letting the world fall away while I spend a precious hour on my yoga mat. I miss curling up on the sofa in front of the fire with coffee and a book. Honestly, I think I'm craving that more than anything else. I dream about it in the middle of a busy workday, in fact! A delicious half hour of sacred space would fill me up more than a muffin ever would, but it seems these moments are fleeting just now.
And so, what is it about the muffins that's filling these huge gaps in my life? A muffin is simple. It asks nothing from me. It's dense and sweet and uncomplicated. And at a time in my life when everything feels fraught with complication, I need something I can count on. I'd love to say that tomorrow morning when I walk into my favourite coffee joint to order my Americano, I'll be able to resist the call of the muffin. But I think the reality is, until I start to satisfy some of these deeper, more fundamental cravings, I'm going to continue to succumb to baked goods. It feels a little easier knowing what's missing, though, you know? When you know what's missing, you can find your way back to yourself and the things that really fill you up.
And I have to think that I'm not the only one missing some pieces of myself. What are you craving these days? More than just a muffin, what have you been wanting that would fill you up?
Comments