This post has been a hard one to write. It hasn’t flowed like the others have, I imagine because I’m laying a vulnerable, fundamental truth about myself out to my readers. And yet I suppose if I am going to connect with my readers on a genuine and personal level, some truths are important to lay out on the table. The biggest truth in my life? I love Jesus. Yup, I’m one of those Christian folk.
I’m not “out” as a Christian to the vast majority of people in my life (though I guess I am now!). I’m not fully sure why this is. Fear of judgment, perhaps, but I imagine that my walk in faith has a great deal to do with it as well.
Faith came knocking at my door in my early 20’s when I had a strong yearning for God. I followed the call and ended up at a local church. I found Jesus there, but sadly I also found a rigid legalism and lack of grace in some members of that community that ended up sending me away with the message that I was unredeemable. This wounding held me apart from walking in faith for 15 years. During those years, I loved Jesus beyond measure, but I’d been told that I could never fully be loved by Him. Being out in the desert with a fire in your heart and nobody to give it to isn’t a really happy place to be in, and it’s where I dwelled for a long time on my walk with God.
But those years of wandering on my own without a church or family in faith to call home taught me something: when something is true for you, you have to just hold fast to that truth and trust that it will call you home when the time is right. God called me to my current church home three years ago now. It took a ton of courage to walk in the door after what had happened for me all those years ago, but my longing to walk in my faith in a more meaningful way had grown stronger than my fear of what might happen for me at church.
Generally, I’m quiet in my faith. [Except during worship time on Sundays. I’m not so quiet at all then!] And after all those years of walking alone, it’s taken some getting used to walking with God on a daily basis. It’s taken time to grow into the idea of myself as a woman of faith. It’s taken time to trust that my church family won’t do to me what was done before. For these reasons, I don’t yet feel able to talk with others about Jesus. Most of my friends will be surprised if they end up reading this post. They know I go to church and that I identify as a Christian, but I don’t know that anyone in my life aside from AH knows the true extent to which I go to the Well of Faith for comfort, sustenance and daily inspiration.
On the night of my episode on September 4th, shortly after I regained movement, I witnessed a stream of prayer within. Had this been running throughout my entire time of being locked in, or did it start once my brain began to fire and regain function? I’m not certain. But I know this: before I spoke out loud that night, I spoke to God.
It’s a pretty incredible thing to walk in faith, to be in connection with God through every step of every day. I know that not everyone believes as I do, or at all. But for me, this love of God is my breath of life. And until I can speak this truth aloud with greater confidence, I do the one thing I can: I try and shine a light that reflects the love of Jesus for those whose lives I come into contact with each day.
We’re not going to talk about God and Jesus in every post here. You can be here whether you know Jesus or whether you don’t believe in any kind of higher power. I want this blog and its content to feel accessible for everyone. We all need quiet, and there isn’t enough talk about it in our society. And that’s why I’m here. But I do want you to know me and knowing me means knowing how my faith influences my life, my thoughts, and my words. Until next time…
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